Who am I?

I am: grieving

Since January, death has been an issue that has been troubling me. The sorrow, the sense of loss, and the mourning have taken place with the deaths that occurred. Yes, deaths. I guess the feelings started with my god brother's biological father passing away in the Philippines. He died so suddenly without warning that it made it hard to accept. Then Grandpa Carlos died about 2 weeks later. That was expected due to his illness. Several of my classmates and friends had deaths in their immediate families in the following month. Then just last week 2 more people that I shared a connection with passed away. One from old age and the other from an accident, but was expected to die from cancer.

Going through the 5 stages of grief has been a difficult one for me but analyzing my feelings with these 5 stages; shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance; has made it easier to cope with.

Shock
All the news of the deaths of people I knew came from via telephone or through word of mouth. Each time this news came up in the last several months it put a heavy burden on my heart.

Denial
"I just can't believe it," were the words that came to mind when I heard the news. There is just no way it could have happened, especially the death caused by an accident. Something like that can't possible be true.

Anger
The only anger I felt was for my Grandpa Carlos' funeral and how it failed to adequately honor him. There was no chance for anyone to publicly express their thoughts and feelings at the funeral about a man who had changed their lives.

Bargaining
There were some regrets that I had. Some of them irrational. Some of them things I could have done. Things I should have done. A simple phone call or a card could have let that person know how much I appreciate and care about them. A visit would be most appropriate in most of these cases, but only if I made the time to do so.

Acceptance
All of the deaths of the people I knew who died in the last several months were expected. There was no way I could I done anything to prevent it from happening. Being caught up in things that I have no control over is meaningless and a waste of time and energy. God has blessed me by allowing me to spend time with these wonderful people.
God has taken them home. I will see them soon.