Who am I?

While studying this summer for my NCLEX I found what I am seriously scared of: being alone with my thoughts. I feel like I'm a paranoid schizophrenic at times: my sleep schedule is off, I'm feeling nervousness, I have withdrawn myself from family and friends, and I find myself arguing with myself in my mind.

In my mind I'm constantly thinking about the recent things that have happened this summer. Breaking up is hard to do, but healing is even harder. It will take time, but even so it's hard to heal and focus on the most important test of my life at the same time.

Other things going on in my mind are all the stupid and shameful things that I've done in my life; from when I was a kid to when I'm an adult. They range from silly things that anyone would excuse to things that I'm not proud of. When these flashbacks of these events pop in my head I cower and I feel guilty of doing them. "Why would I do that? What would make me do such a thing?" are the questions that I ask myself. These "attacks" continue as I sleep in the night. Sleepless and restless nights do not help me study the next day.

Why do I think about these things? Maybe I have time to reflect on them? Maybe I'm A.D.D.? Maybe I choose to think of these things?

I feel that these "battles" in my mind are at a spiritual level. As a Christian my "struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12) The task at hand is to study to pass my NCLEX. I understand that this is the path that God wants me to go. However, Satan is trying to distract me from reaching my goal. Filling me with guilt and shame of the sins I have commited in the past, decieving me into thinking that I cannot pass this test; these are the flamming arrows that Paul talks about in Ephesians 6.

Paul also talks about putting on the armor of God as a way to fight against the devil. Some armor pieces that have really protected me are the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, and the sword of the spirit. The breastplate guards my what I believe in my heart: I have accepted Jesus into my heart as my Lord and Savior because He died on the cross for my sins and rose again. The shield has helped me defend myself against the "attacks" but lately I feel that I've been getting more hurt lately. The sword of the spirit which is represented by the word of God has been my weapon against these "attacks." I'm really glad those verses that I learned as a kid are popping up in my head as well as the songs I've learned as church. Just hearing the verses, promises of God, and singing about God's greatness and glory fills me with hope and assurance. Assurance that I am not alone in this battle because He is with me.

God is not only with me, my brothers and sisters in Christ are with me too. Thank you all for your supporting words and comments. They really bright up my day in my lonely room. I truely miss being in your company and fellowship. When I have overcome this trial I will join you God willing. Please continue to keep me in your prayers. Just as Paul prayed I also pray this, "Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." Ephesians 6:19-20